I had gained approximately 20 pounds and I still had two months left before I’d meet the sweet baby I was carrying. Every day that summer I would roll (quite literally) out of bed, get dressed, gather my two little ones ready, grab a diaper bag, my work bag, a stroller and off we’d go.
It was a bus ride to a train ride, followed by a brisk walk and up two flights of stairs with both kids and a stroller in tow to my sister’s apartment. There were weepy good-bye kisses but mostly giggly hugs.
Down the stairs and back to the train station, down two more flights of stairs, onto two more trains and in to the city for my “real” job.
I made this trip twice daily, five days a week. By the time my baby was born I was tired and worn. My husband was a great help but his responsibilities kept him incredibly busy.
I lived around the corner from our church, the place where my husband worked, the place where we grew up, it was home, but I was so tired I couldn’t get my act together to get three kids ready for church every week. Motherhood was a quick two-step and I had two swollen and achy left feet. Tired and guilt ridden, I knew I needed a nap…a long nap. every. day.
Desperate Mom
That was probably one of the toughest years of my journey as a mom and its all still fresh in my mind so,when I got to page 5 of this book, Desperate, I was already crying (no surprise there. I could have easily removed the author’s names and inserted mine.
Sarah’s story was my story. I too, was depressed and tired; frustrated from trying to live up to an ideal I had created for myself.
I was paralyzed by the fear that I would fail…again. I was ashamed so I kept my struggles to myself. This might be your story too.
“I want you to know that you’re not alone, that there is so much hope waiting around the bend. I promise you”.
She was right! She is right! There is hope and there is help. I’m not a professional, nor do I pretend to have any answers but right here, this, this is TRUTH:
“I can only offer what has helped me: making a very conscious choice to be in the Word, eating the bread of life every day, and recognizing that I am not my bad days. I will not let the dark tell me who I am. I will give only God authority to tell me who I am. I will choose to be a participant in my own life; I will not let this life or my dark days control me.”
Both Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson get it. They found the answer and they found grace. They tell the story so well. Being a momma is a challenge. There are lonely days, tired days, rushed days, weepy days and plenty of other emotion-filled days. Yes, being a momma can feel like you’re on a runaway train.
He’s not done with me yet!
When I went to the Allume conference in October 2012 I didn’t know what to expect. I had some ideas but I was mostly open to whatever He had in store for me. A few months later it’s clear that this conference would be the jumping point where God would use Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson both to cause me to consider my methods and my thinking as a mom. Sarah talked about taking her real life back and putting her children before her online life. Sally reminded me that I will fail but I can get back up again. Grace soaked words flowed freely from their lips.
All of my old thinking and old habits had to be replaced with new thinking. I’m not that frazzled mom anymore. My girls are teens now so I’m not desperate for a break from the crying or late night feedings or the terrible two’s, but I can still find I am desperate. Maybe even moreso now.
I’m desperate for some assurance that I didn’t permanently hurt or break them.
I’m desperate for some tangible control over their futures.
I’m desperate to KNOW that I’ve taught them everything they’re supposed to know before they leave our home.
I’m desperate for confirmation that the curfews are fair and I’m making the right decisions.
I’m desperate for their safety in an unpredictable world.
I’m desperate for their spouses, for their children and their children’s children.
In my desperation I’m reminded about something a very dear woman shared with me when I was a teenager. Before the sun came up she was up, praying for her children’s future. She was praying for their spouses and her grandchildren. Her kids were only teens but she was praying into their future.
In that one brief moment, in one short conversation, she left a permanent mark on my future, on my children and my children’s children. She did for me what Sally is doing for Sarah and what many Titus 2 women do. I never forgot that conversation but I never applied it to my life until years later. Shortly after she passed, I recalled her words and it has become a life line to me. Hope in my darkness. Where I fail and fall short I know that His grace will cover me. I am confident my children’s futures are safe IN HIS HANDS.
Desperate moms have a choice to make, we can continue to hang our head in defeat, we can even beat ourselves up or, we can choose to KNOW that HE KNOWS US. He knew we would struggle. He knew we’d make mistakes. He knew we’d need help. He knew our words would be harsh at times. He knew we’d run out of energy. He knew we’d lock ourselves in the bathroom to cry in our hands yet, He still chose to breathe those precious little lives into our wombs.
I’m so grateful for grace. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to panic about my children’s future. I’m grateful for women who have gone before me and have taught me some priceless lessons along the way. I’m grateful for this book. It breathes hope and will be nourishment to a young mom who hasn’t figured it out and, it will likely inspire more mentors to come out of hiding and walk alongside some young momma’s who need their hand held as they are comforted in prayer.
*I received a copy of this book from Thomas Nelson Publishing for the purpose of writing a review, the opinions expressed here are my own.
Linking with other bloggers who have written a review and shared their own stories here.
Plus, and you don’t want to miss this, these fabulous women aren’t only offering their hearts in this book they are also doing some pretty fabulous giveaways here. They long to help you through this journey, they don’t want you to do it alone so there are additional giveaways for those of you who may be hosting a group read/study. Check them out. THIS WEEK ONLY.